windowpills

new apartment at 'dockside'

2008-08-01T05:59:59Z

i made it into my new apartment, the place is awesome, at least the living room/kitchen/bathroom is awesome.. but every box is still unpacked in my room, i guess that's something i'll have to tackle tomorrow afternoon. i finished painting my old room in the old apartment today and it feels such a relief to have this year behind me. im looking forward to school starting again, and i've been talking to a new person that could possibly be a winner for me, but who knows, he's living in fayetteville so it would be long distance. i have to reschedule my dentist apointment, and finish my room.... and everything else seems pretty good tonight.

- - tough titty said the kitty but the milk's alright - -

2008-06-23T18:01:11Z

and indeed it is, my friend. the milk is just fine.

i over-do everything. i over-think. i over-dramatize. i over-exaggerate. i over-love. i over-hate. i waaaay over-dream.

point is, just that... that there is a damn tough titty, but in essence, the milk is fine and God's gonna continue to take care of me. I'm not going to go into a preachin, but i did attend church yesterday and that usually gets me pumped and happy and ready to tackle the week. no more wah wah about Ryyyyyan, or any fuckin one else.

from now on out it is about ME baby. oh yeah. i am SO happy about my new apartment, and hopefully getting a job reeeeaaaalllly sooon, and a grey/white CAT and getting my grades up so that i can achieve my new found, yet long thought through, goal of getting into ECU's nursing school,

and as silly as this may sound, i am so freeakin excited about getting a bicycle today. Mine was stolen at the ripe age of 14 when my brother's decided that they could get a nice size piece of crack for it.

in other new's, i am working on my relationships with my friends, because as much as i love my family i know that i have to pull away from them to a degree to get my own idenity and the life and happiness i want. so, if your readin this and we are/were/could have been friends, i apologize for my lack of communication in past 3 years. and if you'll take me - and befriend me, i will be so open to ...it

lies

2008-06-19T03:09:59Z

i put the deposit on the new apartment today. 2018 river drive? something like that.

i havnt told my roommate about how i found a place yet, in some odd way i feel i owe her something even though i care for her, i know deep down i do not owe her anything.

technically my brother dusty is going to move in with me. but my dad doesnt want him to be there, he wants me to stay focused - and i'm sure he would be a distraction, but although i am a introverted person, i need someone real bad to be with me. all though grade school i always had one friend and each year she moved. and then i'd find another one. and then she would move. now, i've moved.

i'm moving on with my life. it's hard to type that, easier to just say. i guess writing it makes it more concrete.  my dad is proud of me.

i told my mom recently that i don't feel i deserve to be happy. when she is alone and working so hard to support herself and my brothers are drug addicts, my father is bipolor and horribly depressed.

it seems like yesterday i kissed him goodbye. when will i see him again?, when i meet his wife and kids one day when i happen to be in the same area...

josh is moving to Georgia. i would like to take him, at first i wanted an excuse to see ryan, but i'm not sure if it will help or make things worse. either way i still want to take josh to Georgia. and i admit for a short while it would make me so content to see him and to fall in his arms.

i'm so mundane. these xanax stop working after you overmedicate yourself i believe. i just wish i was happy, like i lead myself to believe for some small fragment of my day.

smoking outside on the balcony just now i was waiting on the neighbor so i could talk to him, and perhaps distract my thoughts on another man who is leaving in august... but he never showed

and i looked up and saw the full moon, and suddenly i felt like nothing i do really matters, everyone is unhappy if they say different they are lying, and i lay alone in the bed that ryan once came in the middle of the night just to sleep beside me. only tonight, just like each night, i am alone. on sleeping pills, and i miss my mommy.

the hardest time of my life

2008-05-13T03:18:44Z

another semester is over. im so worried about my mamma, and so confused about what to do with my life within the next year. i never knew life could be this hard. i am so in love with ryan, yet i have not heard from him in months it seems. i want to let it go, but when i have an opportunity to go out with someone or meet someone new all i can think about is ryan. he was my crutch for over 4 years now, and i have no idea what to do with out him. i guess if i could take back ever meeting him i would, because the pain hurts so bad not hearing from him, and really seeing no effort what so ever on his part to keep our friendship. i wish i knew what to do, where to go. this is the hardest time of my life so far. i just wish i had gone to art school in cali or NYC. i feel so stuck

' being responsible doesnt have to take all day '

2008-04-01T10:09:03Z

can i get an 'Amen!' on my Subject for this article of thoughts from my life... whatever, i was just thinking how hot natalie portman and scarlett johannson are. i remember when i wanted to be an actress, now my wants have simplified. my needs have decreased in many ways, yet i'm still the same girl i've always been. i'm still not over my first true love. i'm in love with a man who was born too late i think, because everything he experiences or, a lot of the things, i find myself experiencing later on, about a year or so later. when he wants a relationship i do not. when i do, he does not. we have been friends for over 4 years and never truely had a relationship together, aside from the few first dates when i was 16.

i was laying in bed since 4 am. i am now sitting indian style. but seriously.. i was laying in bed and i was thinking about distancing myself even further from my family, i imagined doing my internship in my final year of college. i imagined my apartment and my friends and my nightgown. the art on the walls and the temperature in the building. so many other things as well.

now, in my pink sweatpants from eckerds with the ink stain from painting, i sit - indian style - on this neatly made mattress on the floor, and slowly anticipate the sunrise. i once loved the night, now i do everything in my power almost to avoid it.

and when i die i expect to find... (what the fuck is he saying after that im too lazy to google...

2008-03-29T05:05:30Z

.. and too high to understand it.)

my dad acted, in the only way he was able, like a dad to me today and it was so nice. we went to ecu just me and him. we talked to my advisor, and discussed living arrangements for next year. my roommate is impossible*. but it was nice riding around with him and being genuine with each other. and then we went to the dog house when we got to fayetteville and i had a few beers, lol.

i hope i hope i hope i get a place of my own real real soon, i do not want a roommate anymore, i want my "home". i want independence. i want a kitty cat and a typewriter. i also want to put my gramas sewing maching in my home. i want all my treasures. i want to have ONE real place that is my home. not half at moms half at dads half at the apartment and half who knows where.

things with me and ryan are looking very unimpressive. he never calls, i called him twice and there was bad rececption in his room so it would drop our call and instead of walking out and calling me back he texted some bullshit about two times worth. so, thats pretty much something im going to have to deal with because it is going to really hurt me, it already is.

other news.. my family life is truely impossible, i'm nearly on the verge of preparing myself for my brother's death. he is going so downhill in drugs and alcohol and i'm so afraid. they hurt me so. i am so close to them it is uncommon, but it is wonderful i just wish everyone would do right. including myself. i have major improvements i'm going to work on starting now. <3

*i mean that in the litteral sence.

so the roommate thing

2007-10-29T20:19:58Z

As i returned from class, proceeded to my room to be alone, let out some tears and write my paper, my roommate knocks on the door, comes in, and tells me we are having company tonight with this guy she uses for whatever reasons. he's apparently bringing us food in a little while from chillis. i havnt ate all day. the woman at the gas station when i purchased my camel no. 9's and a doctor pepper asked me if everything was okay that my hands were shaking, was i cold or something... my responce was solum, as i let out a sigh and said i was just having a rough day.

i just want someone to reach out and help me. i dont feel like i can do this myslef. the thought crossed my mind to go to the beach today and return early tomorrow morning but i have no reason to burden my mother with my undying depression, and the so called friends there i would not want to see. it is cold today however, and i would love so very much to walk along the shoreline with the cold air against my face and the waves crashing before me. now i can only dream in my tears until this man comes over with chillis and i have to play hostess.

colors and such

2007-09-22T04:55:29Z

so the living room in my apartment looks nicer, im actually sitting on a couch and it's mine and the walls are semi colored...

i'm just so lonely, i've always been lonely. i've come to the realization that some things actually will not get better, like my family situation, or my anxieties and insomnia. many things really. i'm not sure what's wrong with me but i know i want to stay on the right path so far its so hard. nothing to really look forward to on the weekends. nothing but classes and exams to get over with on the weekdays. and really, i feel like, what is this for.

magiczeta @ 2007-08-21T15:42:00

2007-08-21T23:11:58Z

I'm starting school tomorrow, and anticipating Tyler's visit late tonight, I only hope that I am not let down by either of these two big steps in the start of this Fall semester. I really like Tyler a lot. He mean so much to me already, and weve hardly shared any time together in our relationship i hope to build. I feel guilty almost for saying that i was worried he would take the only part of me I have left, because I feel as though if I dont let somebody love me and open that part of me up to them now, I will soon become rigid and cold as spoken about in Amelie, the film which I watch nearly everynight before bed. I hesitate to say that I love Tyler, for some might say that is too strong of a choice for me to use, yet it's true. I love being with him, I love thinking about him, I love his talents, his dedication to hard work, and almost most of all his kisses. I never ever ever thought i could feel this way again, but he has allowed me to see that it truely was possible in the best way of all. I want to spend every moment I can with him and please him and make him smile and bring happiness to his life as he has mine. The only thing that troubles me is that he will not be willing to dedicate himself to a long distance relationship as I surely don't want to, but at this point I feel almost as if I would do anything just to make him happy, and he has given me his dedication I only hope he chooses to keep me.

sunday morning worship

2007-08-20T00:47:07Z

This morning, for the first time in many years I decided upon impulse to attend church. Kneeling on the alter I truely believe may be the only pure untouchable feeling i have witnessed in years. With my head, knees and hands knelt before the alter I began to pray as streams of tears fell from my face and my body trembled as if for once i wasn't comsumed by my human-like reations.

Summer is over. The new semester is beginning this week. Kids filled with optimism crowd the campus and dormatorys.

I have my own apartment since July, a roommate i rarely see, and at the moment no living room furniture or food in the cabinet.

I'm supposedly seeing someone officially now. I feel so selfish. almost as if all i want from him is a temporary person to think upon and anticipate phone calls or visits to Greenville to lavish me with attention when in reality all I truely want is to be alone. Not smothered, for I know soon he will want more.. and more.. and my fear is that the last piece of me I have left will be taken. my self.

curiosity killed the cat

2007-06-27T16:43:44Z

i wonder what would happen if i stopped?
i miss my brother and i'm cold. i wanna go somewhere..
somewhere ive not yet been.

or maybe somewhere i have been. for instance, i want to go to june of 2005 and i want to make it to nick's military ball that i didn't attend at the start of our relationship. let go of regrets i know, but that's the place i want to go.

for now all i can do is drive around fayetteville, blast some luda and take my dog to get injected for heartworms.

i am so confused about not being confused.

2007-04-11T19:10:29Z

maybe thats what a couple valliums do to a depressive personality type like mine. i was thinking today about my relationships with all those i care about and how they are fading away. nick is now a fragment of my past. ryan is in love i suppose, and im very happy for him, but i am also hurt that he has disconnected himself so far from me.

i could go on but what difference would it make. i could talk about how jeremy, garry, ryan mauer, david, and others that i felt were so closely connected to me have simply faded into the abyss of their own lives and destinies. i was so happy a few hours ago. i know what i've got to do. i have to succeed in my college carrer, i truly fucked up this semester. i didnt try to, it just happened. i didn't mean for any of this grief to come over me, but honestly i create my own problems.

a fresh start, but the same haunting ghosts i think will never leave

2007-01-05T08:56:03Z

i begin classes monday morning. it would be no surprise to explain the mental misery my father put me through the night before i came to ECU to move in my dorm. it's sort of ignorant how he could ever possibly wonder why my mother wanted separation. yet he is so split personality. i would like to stay here. i feel comfortable in this dorm room, something i never in my lifetime would have expected. the bed feels like shit, and i guess that's why i am still awake at 3:42 AM, but it is much more welcoming than "home".

the pain i experienced throughout my life and childhood, the mental abuse i witnessed my mother and two older brothers encounter for all of those years (which around age 12 began to turn upon me as well), nearly seemed like a faded fathom of my imagination. laying in my empty room last night, crying as i had so many times in the very spot, i realized it is all still hidden deep within me. here, just 2.5 hours away, i feel so free and i feel so much comfort and tranquility.

i am however very nervous about the classes i am taking. i hear students walking around telling their GPA of 1.0, and of academic probation. it will be a difficult path ahead of me, but although i am not paying for it, i am earning it. i am learning more than academia. i am learning to cope with my past and move ahead into the future with the only sort of positive attitude that i can base from my own internal self.

every month or so i recieve a message on myspace from nick. just the other week he had sent the latest,

' this new picture of yourself is amazing. very beautiful. and finally going to school thats great! '

his status now writes 'in a relationship'. i cannot understand, but it really screws with my emotions. i can't make sense of any of it, not even the time we were in that so called "relationship", or the part where he left me for "progression". i feel very independent, it's not that i want him back, or that i feel hatred for him, i just feel that so many things were left unresolved. i feel that we shared each others virginity and now we mean nothing more to one another than a three sentence message every other month. i cannot hide the fact that it still hurts. i cannot hide the fact that i still love him in the way that i loved him before he left me, though i am mature enough to know i could never love him now. and he's in a relationship as well. i feel that such a thing is entirely and completely impossible. i had my one innocent young love, now it's time for silly dates and so called good times. someone prove me wrong.

two years, i can hardly believe it

2006-08-28T06:31:10Z

it has been two years and still i havnt the heart to make that first entry private. all of the previous ones and the ones after i have either deleted or made personal, but i havnt the heart to do it to that beautiful feeling i had that day. all of the optimism, all of my aspirations, though at the time i read that i had claimed not to have any at all, how my nievity was so very wrong. i treasure that day, i always will. i treasure so many things, and i could never be cross at anyone or anything someone did agasint me or something i may have brought upon myself. i always did the best i could, as well as my love and my family i would love to believe, under the circumstances, life has not been so terrible afterall. when i look at all those wonderful small and seemingly meaningless moments that make me subconciously continue to give me a reason to wake each and every morning. i'm blowing my money too easily. at least i have a fair amount saved considering i don't have a job at this very moment, but i shall get one next week. that is a promise to myself. i feel there is only one person outside of my family who i can truly talk to, but i am afraid. it has been nearly a year since we have spoken, but hold this person so dear to my heart. everything is changing in my life, i'm actually looking forward to my next birthday, and i'm truly looking forward to taking a long overdue cross country trip. i long to see the countryside as well as the cities... i long for too much perhaps

its all of the good that wont come out of them, and all the stupid lies they hide behind

2004-08-31T07:38:58Z

today passed.

studio art is my first class, and it’s wonderful. i did figure drawing and throughout the day felt as if I myself were a painting. i can’t explain it really, but i felt so motionless and unaltered. i sat before these various people as if i were on display.

i spent the entire night with nick in his arms, and it was wonderful. no matter what happens tomorrow, or years from now ill always treasure this memory. i discovered recently that ill never find the things my heart searches for in another person. i’m lucky i guess to have someone that allows me to feel this way. its great to feel so open with someone, and spend time with them without worrying over silly details and future aspirations, and he is a wonderful person.

the ride to my house this morning was beautiful. i listened to nellie mckay as streams of car lights crossed my path. i pretended i was on my morning commute in some wonderful place, and for a small moment i actually forgot where i was.

fayetteville, i detest you.